*sheepish*

So, I took all that energy I had from September's Indian Run and...misplaced it? Honestly, the day after the race, I hiked around The Ridges looking for new running trails. But life snuck up on me very, very quickly. And I started making less than ideal choices:

1. I got sporadic with my meds (Oh, I'll take them today. Tomorrow, maybe not so much.)

2. I let myself get manic, then depressed, then...both?

3. School + Observation Hours + Job = Working from, eating on, and sleeping on my couch

Things got pretty out of hand. Thankfully, I made it through finals week and home safely. I'm not completely balanced out emotionally, but being home with Jay and our families (especially my mom) gives me a lot more stability than living alone. So, I'm making more progress on my two-steps-forward-one-step-back system. If I could just start sleeping at normal hours, things would be great.

But then there is my weight. Since I wasn't running and had started stress eating, it's no surprise that I've jumped up to the highest number I've ever seen on the scale (I know I have weighed more than I do right now, but I've been a champion scale-avoider). Even with that new, scary number in my mind, I couldn't seem to find motivation to get back into the groove.

Until I was surfing Facebook and spotted some waifish friends of friends out clubbing in lingerie. Granted, not the healthiest source of motivation, but it's enough of a kick in the pants to get me reevaluating my plan and setting some more reasonable expectations. So here they are, the new goals:

1. Lose 10% of my body weight. That's 15 pounds. That's enough to put me back in the healthy BMI bracket.

2. Restart and finish the C25K Program. This time with 100% more inhalers.

The "finish line" for my goal is my final wedding dress fitting. Which isn't yet scheduled but will probably be late June-mid July. So, that gives me...hold on, math...about 30 weeks to make this happen. If I can maintain the -1lb/week goal that the WebMd calculator made me use, I can get there in about half the time. But, I'm going to be realistic here and shoot for 30 weeks.

Thank you WebMd for this handy summary:

Indian Run: Great Success

Well there they are--the results of my first 5K! 52:27, 79th place for women, 180th overall. Dead last in my age bracket.

And I don't really care. I never thought that I could run any race, but here I am with a 5K under my belt.

Like I said, I knew going into the race that I wouldn't be able to run the full 5K. Overall, I'd say that I ran between a third and a half of the distance. The race started out pretty well--I kept a decent pace for the first half mile (incidentally, the longest interval I ran during my abbreviated training). I tried to keep my pace brisk, but toward the end my asthma hit hard and I had to slow down a lot.

I did fall once, though I didn't really notice how scraped up my leg was until I was driving home:

I ran the final portion, which was most important in my mind. For some reason, I figured that if I started and ending by running, no matter how long I walked in the middle, it was still a success.

As I made my way toward the water/snack tent, I remembered a post I had seen on Off Beat Mama (or a similar blog, I can't remember): one midwife gives spoonfuls of honey to mothers immediately following birth. The sugar gives them an energy boost while they recover. I told Jay that for my next race, I want him at the finish line, camera in one hand, honey in the other.

Bottom line? I have a time to beat and a renewed desire to train.

Prepping for the Indian Run

So, in approximately 12 hours, I will be running my first 5K. If I'm going to be honest with myself, though, I will be briskly walking my first 5K.

I got really overwhelmed by my move to Athens and thus, fell epically behind on my training. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it too much. It's no big secret that I have an intense fear of failure (and strangely, of too much success), so I'm trying to look at this race as a safe way to fail. Even though I won't be able to run the whole time I'm still excited to run/hike the Hocking Hills. I love the area, so if nothing else, the Indian Run gives me a chance to enjoy one of my favorite places. Also: FREE SHIRT!

I just finished my "Keep Your Energy UP!" playlist for tomorrow:

1. (Do You Want to Date My) Avatar Felicia Day

2. Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You, Tonight Spinal Tap

3. Zero Punctuation Theme Ian Dorsch

4. All the Single Ladies Beyonce

5. Vampire People in Planes

6. Too Drunk to Fuck The Dead Kennedys

7. Just a Girl No Doubt

8. Crazy in Love Beyonce ft. Jay-Z

9. My Name is Jonas Weezer

10. Young Lust Pink Floyd

11. She Makes it So Warp 11

12. Transylvanian Concubine Rasputina

13. The Impression that I Get The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

14. Nowhere Near Summercamp

15. I'll Tell Me Ma Shamrock

16. Death to Los Compesinos Los Compesinos!

17. Cheating on You Franz Ferdinand

18. The Happiest Days of Our Lives Pink Floyd

19. Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2 Pink Floyd

20. Angel Main Theme Darling Violetta

21. We are Beautiful, We are Doomed Los Compesinos!

And so, to bed.

Post-Migraine Updates

I've been away from the blogosphere for a while because I've had chronic migraines. Yes, weeks of migraines. On top of that, I broke my laptop's keyboard. I was trying to clean the keys and succeeded in making things much, much worse.

So, to ease back into the blogging, I'm stealing an idea from Nicky: Here's what I'm loving today...

1. My mad computer fixing skillz (yes, with a z):

I installed a new keyboard on my laptop, FTW. It's actually kind of strange being able to type 6, 7, y, u, h, j, n, and m again. I forget that I can.

2. My new doctor:

I went to Holzer clinic for a check up and I love my new GP. She made sure everything was in working order, then discussed my chronic headaches. She gave me great advice to start controlling these damn headaches and wrote a new prescription for my inhalers.

3. Fantastic World Foods:

It's so freaking hot in my house, so I'm making their hummus for dinner. Probably going to have fresh strawberries and cool whip for dessert. Nom nom nom nom...

4. This post:

Jimmy and Kristy (our wedding photographers) wrote this about our engagement session a few weeks ago. So, so much fun!

5. My new shoes:

Technically, these came in the mail on Friday, but I'm still loving them. I bought them for the wedding, and I am so pumped to rock them down the aisle.

So, with my migraines (hopefully) under control and my inhalers on the way, I can get back into running. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not really ready for the Indian Run. I mean, even if I have a sucky first 5k, there's no reason to give up.

Recovering into Week 4

Because last Sunday was the last day of the Great Lakes Medieval Faire, Jay and I decided to brave the heat and enjoy Avaloch. I packed three bottles of water and fresh fruit to snack on. If I learned anything from last year, it was the importance of Faire hydration.

Maybe it was my meds, maybe it was the humidity, maybe it was my (lack of) stamina, but I ended up getting heat exhaustion. At one point, my eyes "got all unfocusy." Luckily, Jay forced me into the 1st aid tent where some jerks in kilts supplemented my water with Gatorade (they were drinking Hawaiian punch mimosas).

Two days later, I'm feeling much better, but I'm still supposed to take it easy. I didn't run last week (crazy work schedule), so even though I wasn't feeling 100%, I started Week 4 of C25K. I didn't run the last half mile, but kept up a brisk walk to finish the thirty minutes/two miles.

The Hocking Hills Indian Run is fast approaching, so I really need to pick up and keep up the (metaphorical) pace. Despite not taking it easy, I'm feeling pretty damn good post-run, so it seems that as long as I keep running a priority, I can be confident about finishing my first 5K.

Solving Old (Unimportant) Mysteries

One of the greatest blessings/curses I was born with is my weirdo memory. I can't really control what I remember, but the things that stick never seem to leave. I remember the day my brother was born (I was two), but I'm not really sure what I had for dinner on Wednesday.

When my memory (intentionally, I believe) leaves out key bits of information, these incomplete thoughts stick even more thoroughly. So, I am more excited than I really should be about two mysterious memories I just figured out.

The first probably occured in 1997 or 1998. I had a friend sleeping over, and she wanted to watch MTV (which was forbidden in my house). Because my parents were asleep, I let her, but when video of a girl singing and taking off her clothes came on, I tried to change the channel. As fate would have it, my mom came downstairs, and that was the end of the tv for that sleepover.

I always wondered what the song was. A few weeks ago, I was feeling lousy and started searching for Fiona Apple videos on YouTube. Quite by accident, I found the mystery song:

"Criminal"

Go me!

Last night, I couldn't sleep and suddenly remembered a book I'd read in one day while visiting my cousins' cousins in Temagami. Because no one really wanted to play/hang out with me, I raided their bookshelf and found...a book. I read it in a few hours and loved it. But as soon as I left, I forgot the title.

With about forty-five minutes of Googling and Amazon-ing, I found it again:

Woo-hoo!

And yes, I totally did just order it from Amazon.

Double Fail Run

For the first time since I started C25K, my asthma kicked in. Needless to say, that ended things pretty quickly. I had thought that building up my endurance had prevented my asthma from coming on in attack formation (I always have a little tightness when I exercise, but nothing major in a while). Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Still, I was glad to have real excuse to end early because Abby was just not up for a run today. She did really well on Wednesday--staying close, not jumping on me. This morning though, if she was going to run attentively, we needed to be on a trail with no cars, no people, no animals, and (most important) no goose poop. Obviously that wasn't going to happen.

She's also obsessed with biting her leash. Every time I walk her, I'm reminded of one of my favorite books from high school:

"I used to drag him around on a lead, but as I explained to Mrs. Next Door, he ate it."

Playing House

As I mentioned earlier, Jay and I are staying in Ohio while my family is on vacation in Canada. It's a little weird for me. This is the first summer in my life that I've skipped out on the Ontario pilgrimage. Part of me feels really sad--my grandparents' cottage is one of my favorite places in the world. The rest of me knew, though, that if I couldn't spend time with Jay up north, I'd be pretty disappointed.

So, we're having a "staycation" and playing house. I'm taking care of the dog, and Jay is keeping me company.

Thus far, our adventures have included:

1. Afternoon of the Undead Car!

I went grocery shopping on Monday morning for healthy provisions (so much melon!). When I got out of the last grocery store at 11:40, my car wouldn't start. I called Papa Ash for help. No answer. I called Mama Peg. She promised lattes. I called Jay. We jumped my car for about half an hour. Nothing.

We went to my house, ate, and got my good jumper cables from the garage. We jumped the car with Papa's van. For another twenty minutes. I called AAA. We waited for forty minutes. AAA jumped my car. At 3:30, I got home.

2. Giant Fights Initiated by, But Not Limited to the Afternoon of the Undead Car!

...the less said the better.

3. Barking Dog at 6:15 a.m.!

And Mom thought I'd sleep through her morning routine...

4. Disney-Themed Drinking Game!

Aladdin + Mike's Hard + Beer -Dog = Unexpected Bliss

And it's only Wednesday morning! What fun could lie in store for us?

Hint: It involves a barking dog. At 5:00 in the morning.

C24k: Week 3 Do-Over

The stress of the past two weeks finally caught up to me in my Monday run. When last I wrote, I'd made it though the hell of standardized tests and was ready to enjoy my pre-vacation week. Unfortunately, Jay's passport was a no-show, so I decided to stay in Ohio with him and my family's dog. During all the up-in-the-air-edness of the passport "situation" I stopped running. Or, rather, continued to just not run.

So on Monday, after I'd said good-bye to my parents and sibs, I decided to restart with Week 3 of C25K and this time, take the dog.

Abby is no so great at the running with humans thing. Still, she is only about five months old. When I had her in the park, she wove back and forth in front of me the entire time I ran. During my walking breaks, she would run up behind me, jumped on my butt, and tried to push me faster. It was pretty darn adorable.

Still it had been two weeks since I'd run and about a month since I'd run outside. It was bad. I couldn't finish my last three-minute interval. Oh well. As soon as I'm feeling human again, I'll be taking Abby out for another run on the Week 3 program.

Post-PRAXIS Glow

As everyone (except me) anticipated, the PRAXIS went a lot better than I thought it would. I finished both tests with time to spare and I have a feeling that I performed very well on them.

That's not to say that there wasn't drama that weekend. Jay and I drove into Akron Friday night, and we decided that it would be a good idea to drive the route from the hotel to the university. After all, we had to leave at 6:30 the next morning. I am so, so glad we decided to do this--Google Maps failed us to a MapQuest degree! The last step in the journey was to turn right from E. Market onto College St. Unfortunately for us, College isn't marked at Market. Finally, we just turned at the strangely unmarked street we kept passing and, lo and behold, it was College. By that point though, I was so worked up, I made Jay park the car and walk to the test building and room with me. I. Would. Not. Be. Lost. Again.

When I got to the test the next morning, I kept facing one minor crisis after another. First, I had the wrong kind of pencil. Apparently, mechanical ones aren't soft enough for th delicate scantron. Thankfully, another girl lent me one of her correct pencils. Then, as I got my test, I realized that I had studied for the wrong one. Really. For English Content, there are three tests" 0041 (Multiple Choice), 0042 (Content Essays), and 0043 (Pedagogy Essays). I had prepared for 0042. I was taking 0041--the easiest of the three.

So, at this point, I just have to wait four weeks to see if I did as well as I thought. And for the record, I still don't understand how they're scored.

C25K: Week Three and Food "Bargains"

After about of week of half-hearted jogging, I got back into the swing of my 5k training. I wanted to take my nephew for a jog in the park on Tuesday, but the rain kept us inside playing "BIG baby!" instead.

Yesterday, I made it out to Planet Fitness and ran through week three. I was getting really sick of the running podcast, so I made my own playlist for this week. Considering my mood of late, I went with Ani DiFranco, Ani DiFranco, and more Ani DiFranco:

1. "Little Plastic Castle"

2. "Out of Range"

3. "Knuckle Down"

4. "Hypnotize"

5. "Loom"

6. "Ain't That The Way"

7. "Garden of Simple"

8. "Falling is Like This"

Also, while deciding on what to eat at Panera tonight, I found a new way to choose healthy food that makes perfect sense to me. I'm a bargain hunter; I will spend an entire day trying to get the best deals and the most for my money. A "quick errand" for me is never less than an hour because I will hit Target, Wal Mart, and the grocery store before I decide where to get whatever it was I wanted.

So when it comes to food, substitute amount of food for amount of stuff. And replace dollars with calories (or WW points). I want to get the most food for my cost. So, for example, tonight I got French Onion Soup instead of a Four-Cheese Soufflé or Mac & Cheese because it was a better deal. I got way more food for far fewer calories--and it gave me plenty of energy to get through my run!

PRAXIS

After my last post, I started making more of an effort to get better. I realized that a lot of my stress and shame were coming from the PRAXIS II exam that I'm taking on Saturday.

Stress because I have pre-test anxiety about standardized tests.

Shame because a lot of my academic future (like when I can graduate and/or get licensed) depends on my score, and I've been too lazy to study.

So this week, I hit the study guides. I've also tried to prepare for the physical act of test-taking. I hate standardized test centers. They're unfamiliar, too hot or too cold, and I'm not allowed to eat or drink while I work. I've already packed a lunch bag with my "nervous snacks" for my break between the PLT and ILA content exams. So far, I've got chocolate covered pretzels and Diet Dr Pepper. I may even break my "leggings are not f*cking pants!" policy and wear my running tights because they're sooooo comfy.

I was feeling a lot more confident until I took the PLT practice test tonight. I'm so frustrated with the practice exam--it doesn't match the format of the actual exam! How am I supposed to practice writing on 4 case studies when I'm only given two?! Why are there 26 multiple choice questions when the real test has 24?! HOW THE HECK IS THIS THING SCORED?!?!

I think I'm doing okay, but honestly, I can't tell.

And this is the official study guide. The one made by the exam writers!!!

Postcards from the Pity Party

I am really bad at taking care of myself.

Like, really bad.

I feel better when I write. I feel better when I run. I feel better when I'm with my friends (okay, unless I'm already feeling crappy, then my agoraphobia kicks in).

I feel better when I take my meds.

But lately, my poles are shifting toward a definite down spell, and I stop doing the very things that would prevent that.

Meds are tough. My PDoc is far away (an hour from Athens and four from the Yo) and refuses to let me phone in refills. And when I can get there to ask for my refills in person, I get lectured about not taking my meds. About how disrupting my intake can screw with their overall efficacy.

Of course, I could be more on top of these appointments. And not having refills doesn't explain why I can't get up and walk across the room to take them. I guess, in the moment, I don't see how missing a dose can do that much harm--or, alternately, how taking them will do that much good. Then I find myself missing close to a week and feeling like... this.

And my friends...I am clearly avoiding them. I want to talk to them, be close to them, but every time I look at my phone or think about going out, I curl up. No. No. The bed is safer. They'll already be mad at you for not calling. Why upset them more? You've always been a terrible friend, just keep the status quo.

Running is actually the only thing I've kept up with. I took one week off from training, then realized that in order to succeed and run a 5k this fall, I have to make my running a priority. It helps that my little sister desperately wants to go to the gym, but can't drive herself (or use the equipment without an adult present). So I make myself get up and take her and know that at the very least, I'm being a decent sister.

And writing? Sometimes I tell myself, Nobody reads this, nobody cares. When I counter that this blog isn't for anybody but me, I hear, 1. You're lying. 2. You don't even care what you write. Then I realize that I'm arguing with myself.

But here I am, writing.

...

This post is not about making sweeping changes and living my life for the better. Oh, I'd like to do that. I'd love to write up a plan of action, promising myself and the semi-anonymous blogging community that, no this time, I'm going to get better.

But I can't. I've got to 12-step this bitch and just take things one day at a time.

C25K: W1D2&3 and The Scary Scale

Well, I'm done with Week 1! My primary goal for this week was to run the recommended three days, keeping moving for the full thirty minutes. And I did it! Judging by how great I felt after today's run, I'm going to move onto Week 2 starting Tuesday.

Thursday (W1D2) was really gross out (humid with thunderstorms), so I ended up running at my new gym, Planet Fitness. I find its "no lunks!" and "judgement free zone" slogans to be extremely gimmicky (and contradictory, as it's clear that "lunks" are being judged), but it's affordable, the equipment is in great condition, and it's open 24 hours. Running on the treadmill was a lot easier than running in the park and I got to watch 30 Rock with no sound.

Today (W1D3) I went running on the "secret path" at Mill Creek Park. It's not really a secret, but it's unpaved. Because I want to run the Indian Run 5k in September, I thought it might be a good idea to run on an actual trail. It was so gorgeous outside that I decided to run out as far as I could and walk back.

After my run, I was feeling great.

This part of the park is really gorgeous.

This was the only area I was nervous about running on; it's so narrow and the water is really high this year!

Also, FYI: when your scale instructs you to not use it on a carpeted surface, do not use it on a carpeted surface! I bought a little scale with the intention of keeping it in my bedroom. When I stepped on it, it read 180 lbs. I just about died. Once I could breathe again, though, my first thought was, "Well, Nicky, your hard work has made you smaller than me!"

I moved the scale to the bathroom and the reading dropped back to my expected 150. Phew!

Recovery Day and The Internship

So, today was my recovery day for C25K. I woke up a little sore, but only in places where I expected it. Honestly, I've felt worse after my first days of ballet class. I'm calling this a win in that so far, I haven't pushed too hard or injured myself.

Getting ready for my internship was a little tricky (no time for a long, hot shower) and I made a point of wearing flats today. This was my fourth day working at my dad's law firm. He's put me and one other intern in charge of drafting letters to people and companies that owe the state money. Thus far the pros of this internship are:

• great resume-building experience
• significant wages
• decent hours
• proof that I don't want to be a lawyer

I've only found two cons to the experience. The first is that it is so quiet at the office--nearly silent! At the HTC office, we always had NPR on and chatted. At MBPU, people are much, much quieter. I'm slowly getting used to it--mostly by humming Lady Gaga songs while I file.

The other problem I have is the fact that I only have this job because my dad is in charge of the project. I'm all for networking and getting your foot in the door, but this feels a bit like nepotism. I feel that I can't make any mistakes because I'm trying to prove that I could've gotten this position on my own merits. It's also difficult to talk about Dad to the other employees:

"Where did you put those files?"

"Oh, I gave them to...wait, what do I call him? Joe? Mr. Young? Dad?...my dad..."

No matter what I say, it feels awkward.

Then again, if that's my biggest problem with this internship, I think that this summer will work out well for me. And train me to deal with awkwardness.

C25K: An Intro and W1D1

I've always had a weird relationship with my weight. I've never really thought that I was the "right size." Until I turned 17 and got some curves, I felt too small (5'2" and 100ish lbs). Since then, I've felt too big (same height, weights shifting from 125-155). I've been lucky that these issues have always remained at the "minor discomfort" level. I have struggled with a form of anorexia, but that stemmed from my bipolar lows, rather than body image issues (I was horrified by how skinny I was becoming, but it didn't matter--in my sick mind, I believed that only "worthy" people were allowed to eat).

As a kid, I was one of those "eat an entire cow and maybe gain an ounce" body types. So I ate pretty much anything that wasn't nailed down. When I was 16 and 17, though, I worked in a Dairy Queen and quickly put on 25 pounds. At the time, I felt huge, but looking back, I think of that as my "happy weight." College brought me another thirty pounds, largely because my eating habits never changed.

Now, I'm pretty okay with my current weight (150). At 140, I decided that I could stay that weight forever, and I'd be satisfied. There's just one problem. Well, two.

I'm getting married. And I'm vain.

My gut response is "crash diet until you're 100 lbs!!!" My feminist retort is "Don't do a damn thing, and own those 150 lbs!"

After listening to both sides (and gaining a lot of inspiration from my best friend, Nicky) I've decided to do neither. My eating habits need to change. I need to be more active. I need to be healthy. So my plan is:

1. Train to run a 5K by September, then progress to longer distances.
2. Start a healthier eating plan.
3. Focus on Non Scale Victories (NSV)

Along the way, I'll monitor my weight, but those are the three goals I want to emphasize. I probably will lose, but above all, I want to be comfortable in my own skin--regardless of how much fat it's carrying.

So anyway, after that rambling introduction, I went for my first Couch to 5K run through Mill Creek Park. To keep me on track (I'm terrible at timing things, especially intervals), I downloaded Richard Ullrey's C25K podcasts. My asthma attempted to be an issue for me during the run, but I tried my best to keep my breathing deep and regulated. Granted, my brisk walks were a long way from brisk, but I didn't stop. I ignored distance for this run and focused on staying in motion for the full 30 minutes. When I got home and tracked my run, though, I was pleasantly surprised:

2.44 miles? I'll take that!

Why?

Why another blog?

Because my life is more than my wedding (believe it or not).

Because every therapist I've ever spoken to has suggested more journaling.

Because I want to write down the crazy/insightful/quotidian thoughts I have.