Post-PRAXIS Glow

As everyone (except me) anticipated, the PRAXIS went a lot better than I thought it would. I finished both tests with time to spare and I have a feeling that I performed very well on them.

That's not to say that there wasn't drama that weekend. Jay and I drove into Akron Friday night, and we decided that it would be a good idea to drive the route from the hotel to the university. After all, we had to leave at 6:30 the next morning. I am so, so glad we decided to do this--Google Maps failed us to a MapQuest degree! The last step in the journey was to turn right from E. Market onto College St. Unfortunately for us, College isn't marked at Market. Finally, we just turned at the strangely unmarked street we kept passing and, lo and behold, it was College. By that point though, I was so worked up, I made Jay park the car and walk to the test building and room with me. I. Would. Not. Be. Lost. Again.

When I got to the test the next morning, I kept facing one minor crisis after another. First, I had the wrong kind of pencil. Apparently, mechanical ones aren't soft enough for th delicate scantron. Thankfully, another girl lent me one of her correct pencils. Then, as I got my test, I realized that I had studied for the wrong one. Really. For English Content, there are three tests" 0041 (Multiple Choice), 0042 (Content Essays), and 0043 (Pedagogy Essays). I had prepared for 0042. I was taking 0041--the easiest of the three.

So, at this point, I just have to wait four weeks to see if I did as well as I thought. And for the record, I still don't understand how they're scored.

C25K: Week Three and Food "Bargains"

After about of week of half-hearted jogging, I got back into the swing of my 5k training. I wanted to take my nephew for a jog in the park on Tuesday, but the rain kept us inside playing "BIG baby!" instead.

Yesterday, I made it out to Planet Fitness and ran through week three. I was getting really sick of the running podcast, so I made my own playlist for this week. Considering my mood of late, I went with Ani DiFranco, Ani DiFranco, and more Ani DiFranco:

1. "Little Plastic Castle"

2. "Out of Range"

3. "Knuckle Down"

4. "Hypnotize"

5. "Loom"

6. "Ain't That The Way"

7. "Garden of Simple"

8. "Falling is Like This"

Also, while deciding on what to eat at Panera tonight, I found a new way to choose healthy food that makes perfect sense to me. I'm a bargain hunter; I will spend an entire day trying to get the best deals and the most for my money. A "quick errand" for me is never less than an hour because I will hit Target, Wal Mart, and the grocery store before I decide where to get whatever it was I wanted.

So when it comes to food, substitute amount of food for amount of stuff. And replace dollars with calories (or WW points). I want to get the most food for my cost. So, for example, tonight I got French Onion Soup instead of a Four-Cheese Soufflé or Mac & Cheese because it was a better deal. I got way more food for far fewer calories--and it gave me plenty of energy to get through my run!

PRAXIS

After my last post, I started making more of an effort to get better. I realized that a lot of my stress and shame were coming from the PRAXIS II exam that I'm taking on Saturday.

Stress because I have pre-test anxiety about standardized tests.

Shame because a lot of my academic future (like when I can graduate and/or get licensed) depends on my score, and I've been too lazy to study.

So this week, I hit the study guides. I've also tried to prepare for the physical act of test-taking. I hate standardized test centers. They're unfamiliar, too hot or too cold, and I'm not allowed to eat or drink while I work. I've already packed a lunch bag with my "nervous snacks" for my break between the PLT and ILA content exams. So far, I've got chocolate covered pretzels and Diet Dr Pepper. I may even break my "leggings are not f*cking pants!" policy and wear my running tights because they're sooooo comfy.

I was feeling a lot more confident until I took the PLT practice test tonight. I'm so frustrated with the practice exam--it doesn't match the format of the actual exam! How am I supposed to practice writing on 4 case studies when I'm only given two?! Why are there 26 multiple choice questions when the real test has 24?! HOW THE HECK IS THIS THING SCORED?!?!

I think I'm doing okay, but honestly, I can't tell.

And this is the official study guide. The one made by the exam writers!!!

Postcards from the Pity Party

I am really bad at taking care of myself.

Like, really bad.

I feel better when I write. I feel better when I run. I feel better when I'm with my friends (okay, unless I'm already feeling crappy, then my agoraphobia kicks in).

I feel better when I take my meds.

But lately, my poles are shifting toward a definite down spell, and I stop doing the very things that would prevent that.

Meds are tough. My PDoc is far away (an hour from Athens and four from the Yo) and refuses to let me phone in refills. And when I can get there to ask for my refills in person, I get lectured about not taking my meds. About how disrupting my intake can screw with their overall efficacy.

Of course, I could be more on top of these appointments. And not having refills doesn't explain why I can't get up and walk across the room to take them. I guess, in the moment, I don't see how missing a dose can do that much harm--or, alternately, how taking them will do that much good. Then I find myself missing close to a week and feeling like... this.

And my friends...I am clearly avoiding them. I want to talk to them, be close to them, but every time I look at my phone or think about going out, I curl up. No. No. The bed is safer. They'll already be mad at you for not calling. Why upset them more? You've always been a terrible friend, just keep the status quo.

Running is actually the only thing I've kept up with. I took one week off from training, then realized that in order to succeed and run a 5k this fall, I have to make my running a priority. It helps that my little sister desperately wants to go to the gym, but can't drive herself (or use the equipment without an adult present). So I make myself get up and take her and know that at the very least, I'm being a decent sister.

And writing? Sometimes I tell myself, Nobody reads this, nobody cares. When I counter that this blog isn't for anybody but me, I hear, 1. You're lying. 2. You don't even care what you write. Then I realize that I'm arguing with myself.

But here I am, writing.

...

This post is not about making sweeping changes and living my life for the better. Oh, I'd like to do that. I'd love to write up a plan of action, promising myself and the semi-anonymous blogging community that, no this time, I'm going to get better.

But I can't. I've got to 12-step this bitch and just take things one day at a time.